A Life On Tiny Hinges

“the memory is like a train, you can see it getting smaller as it goes away.”

-Tom Waits, Time

"Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid."
-Fyodor Dostoevsky

“it's funny how life takes away the things we didn't realize we loved before we get a chance to miss them”

-Anonymous

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

-Mark Twain

There are lot of things I could be doing right now. I could be polishing off the last part of my last final of the semester. I could be writing a letter that I believe is long overdue, or I could lose the rest of this evening in the sweet, mindless, unending exchange of information which only the Internet can provide. I could be calling an old friend who I know has been asking to hear from me. Instead I writing this, slowly. Letting the cursor blink a few extra times, possibly trying to slow its steady, measured tick. Letting my thoughts congeal.

I sometimes feel that the older I get the only thing I truly gain is a more acute awareness of the passing of time.

Have any of us accomplished, felt or created all we had once hoped to when we reached the age we are now? I know, at 26, as I am today, I imagined a very different life for myself even a few short years ago. How many opportunities have we missed to direct our feet onto a better path? How many tragedies, how much hardship have we avoided by chance in the simple decision to stay in, or go out for a single evening. Looking back at the precious (and not-so-precious) people I have met in my life, I note how narrow the window was for me to even encounter them, and thereby build all the things we eventually did. Without some of them would I have been better off? Would I be a wholly different person if I had not gone to this social function, or stopped off on my way home for coffee, and hence not met a person who have so thoroughly changed my life? Without Him, or Her, or Them, how would my life have been different? What doors closed when I opened the ones that I did?

It's often the littlest things open the paths that shape us most. A comment made to a stranger in a restaurant. A secret chuckle with someone else who noticed something you did. I know a couple who was married recently―they met in an elevator which wound up getting stuck for a few hours. Think if either of them had taken the stairs! How different would their lives be? Think of your best friend, your lover, your most painful memory, think about the things which brought them to you, somewhere along the line will be something tiny which could have steered you away.

Looking at the small actions which have changed my life so much, it's not hard to imagine what events could have transpired if I had done things a little differently. I could be a husband right now, or a father, or dead. I could be living in another state. There's no way to truly know what lay behind all the doors I left shut. I'm okay with that, but sometimes it can be pleasant to wonder.

After all, I was one bid in an auction from growing up in Alaska. True story. That wasn't even something I had any sort of control over, but it very easily could have changed my entire life. If one man had raised his paddle and outbid the leader, I would very likely be a completely different person today. All the people I know and have loved would be strangers. If one man had raised his arm. Just one of them.

It's a long shot, but had someone seen my face, the darkness around my eyes, the wrinkles set on my brow and perceived a bit more than they did, had they taken a moment to pull me aside, ask how I was, been a real human being for one second, I might still be working at Amazon.com. Because they didn't, I now have a Master of Arts in History, I have several life-long friends I would have never met, I'm sitting in a room in College Park, Maryland and feeling like I've got so much more figured out than I did then. It's likely none of these things would have come to pass if someone, somewhen, had said a few special words.

If my fourth grade teacher hadn't cried over some silly poem I wrote when I was nine, would I have developed my life-long passion for written word, both the construction and the veneration of it? Would I have missed out all which that mantle has brought? This example isn't as good, as I may very well have discovered it later....but there's no way to know.

How many times have I loosed or bridled my tongue, resulting in friendships forever lost, or forever made? Again, tiny actions so often define us.

I've never met my father. How different would my world be had he decided to stay in my life? How would that have changed my path?

I'll never know the full extent of how these things might have altered my life, and frankly, I don't think I really care. I realize and comprehend that there are people in this world which are defined by what they feel they've lost somewhere along their path. I can understand that: I have my own fixations. I am grateful that regret is something which is alien to me. It is something I've found very little room for in my life. Even the choices which carried years of burdensome consequences aren't ones I've spent a great deal of time wishing to unmake. I've made decisions where I can't imagine that I would be worse off had I decided something different. Crucial, weighted moments which have led to this spot, this night, these words. Wanting to take them back isn't really a consideration, because it's something I can never do.

There are many paths to the end of this life, but we only get to investigate them with our feet.

Sometimes, when I'm debating going to a campus function, or going out for the night, or taking a trip to somewhere new, I'll consider the decision in the light of what the decision could ultimately mean. In all likelihood, I'm not missing much more than an experience which will pass from the poorly-maintained portion of my memory into non-existence, but as I've illustrated so far, I could be missing something big, even the “biggest” thing which has ever happened to me. Chances are slight, but how slight chances have shaped so much of this life thus far. As you might guess, I rarely opt for sitting at home when a chance to do something presents itself. I'm too hungry for that.

Perhaps one day my life will settle, and I'll think a night spent at home is a night better spent than a night in the company of potential (that deadly word) path-making.

Sitting at my desk, with a life full of astounding experiences both cherished and harrowing, I can only believe that the future holds as much promise as the past, even when things feel still.

I think the worst thing you can do in this life is to believe the consequences of something we might do can so vastly outweigh the hallowed occasions we can achieve. We're in a culture of constantly over-estimating risk in social situations. We say nothing, rather than provoking anything. Whether it be offering a smile to a plainly down-trodden stranger, overhearing a conversation and throwing in the surprisingly perfect punchline that immediately came to mind, or talking to that someone you've paid far more attention to than is reasonable. Ultimately, you have so little to lose and so much to gain.

A month or so ago, I shared entirely too much of myself with someone. Even more than I do on this blog. This person plainly didn't see the occurrence as I did, and I can only dream (and chuckle at) of what misinterpretations have transpired. I also don't care...it's my job to be, and be myself, not to be understood or summarized by every person I meet. This doesn't come from some resounding desire to be recognized, rather a utter love of communion with other people. The person who doesn't risk a little now and then ultimately finds only their own muted thoughts to keep their memories company.

I'd rather tell secrets than make small talk, and this course of action has gifted me people in my life who are more beautiful, intelligent, witty and kind than I deserve to know. I especially love the kind ones.

When I have failed, the embarrassment it has cause me has been....barely noted, and generally something I soon find the ability to laugh at.

This life is going to end sooner or later. When it does, we'll count our triumphs and blessings far more than we will our failures. If given the grace of a deathbed, we'll remember the things we did which brought joy to our lives, rather than the times we opted not to say or do anything.